I want you to look at this quote from an opposite perspective to what you may have had previously. Many of us learn that being envious is undesirable, but is it also a sign of weakness? If you admit to someone that you want what they have, you are saying you are less resourced and occupy a lower position in both your minds. Of course, we rarely admit or show it. So, we suppress it. That is a problem. Let’s wake up!
Not being envious – more problematic
Envy arises from the lower part of the brain and lights up pain centers. It is a survival reaction: if you have more resources, you have a higher chance of survival. It is an ongoing constant signal to keep pursuing more. So, if you see yourself as happy with what you have, or minimize the importance of gathering resources, that may seem fine at one level, but it may also be a way of suppressing this powerful impulse. Continuing to be envious lowers your quality of life because you are always comparing, and it really does light up your pain circuits. Additionally, major marketing firms are so intent on fostering envy that they hire neuroscientists to figure out how to stimulate this part of the brain most effectively. So one fallout is FOMO, which is worsened by the amount of sensory input we receive daily.
Becoming happy with what you have is a significant aspect of dealing with envy. However, you must feel and admit your own envy by becoming aware of it and how it influences your behavior. Constant comparison, conscious or unconscious, wears you down.
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn wrote this paragraph. It reflects envy’s destructive nature. It doesn’t show the even more powerful forces created when you suppress it. The solution lies in being aware of and feeling your envy, and also being aware of your efforts to suppress it. You are aware of both energies, and the awareness creates the space to simply get on with your day. Awareness and connection are at the core of healing.
What about the main thing in life, all its riddles? If you want, I’ll spell it out for you right now. Do not pursue what is illusionary – property and position: all that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade, and is confiscated in one fell night. Live with a steady superiority over life – don’t be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness; it is, after all, all the same: the bitter doesn’t last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing. It is enough if you don’t freeze in the cold and if thirst and hunger don’t claw at your insides. If your back isn’t broken, if your feet can walk, if both arms can bend, if both eyes see and if both ears hear, then whom should you envy? And why? Our envy of others devours us most of all. Rub your eyes and purify your heart – and prize above all those who love you and wish you well. Do not hurt them or scold them, and never part from any of them in anger; after all, you simply do not know: it might be your last act before your arrest, and that is how you will be imprinted on their memory. (1)
Every human is judgmental. It is an inherent aspect of survival. However, it doesn’t foster close, enjoyable relationships or peace of mind. Our cultural programming exacerbates it by suggesting that a strong ego is essential for happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Pursuing ego requires endless comparison to those around you, as well as to the norms that society, your family, friends, and you have set for yourself. You will eventually wear down and crash. This process has no endpoint.
The pursuit of ego can’t work, and it doesn’t. At some level, we all know this. Whenever your peace of mind and/or identity depends on external circumstances, including others’ opinions, you’re at their mercy. It also gives others the power to shut you down, which is one way they try to strengthen their own ego. You are riding on a universal merry-go-round that will never let you get off. The eye of the storm
Envy
As these attempts at strengthening your ego miserably fail, the next level of emotion is envy. It isn’t pretty and interferes with almost every aspect of life, from work to your personal life. Although you may be pursuing happiness like the rest of us, it can’t happen if you are perpetually envious. Happiness and envy are not compatible emotions. What is even more ironic is that when you judge someone else, you’re projecting your view of yourself onto them and broadcasting your insecurities to the world.
I have an exercise you may want to consider. Think of someone that you dislike. He or she usually isn’t too difficult to identify. Then in one column, write down as many things about them that you dislike. Then, to the right of each pronouncement, write down what you dislike about yourself in a similar area. You may not like their work ethic. Maybe you think they are lazy? Do you procrastinate? Or are you in a reactive pattern where you are a workaholic? “He’s fat!” Are you happy with your weight? Maybe people think you are too thin. You don’t like her political views. Who is to say yours are more correct?
What is fascinating and disturbing is that many people are unhappy about others’ success, even if they’re close friends.
Schadenfreude
There are two basic types of envy. One is being unhappy with another’s success, whether it is a friend or competitor. The other is silently rejoicing when someone you envy suffers a loss. This second scenario is called “schadenfreude.” Both can trigger guilt because we know we shouldn’t feel this way. But when you try not to feel a certain way, it becomes worse. It’s even more problematic if you feel the person you have envied didn’t originally deserve his or her success.
Current neuroscience research shows how sustained frustration affects your body’s chemistry and the resulting physical symptoms. This unknown writer succinctly points out that good health is the essence of living a good life. Yet when we spend our energy comparing ourselves to others, we often feel frustrated. This chronic anger, with the attendant elevated levels of stress hormones, wreaks havoc on every organ in your body, and you’ll eventually get sick.
Envy and pain
I’ve had as much of a challenge with ego and envy as anyone. I came from a tough household, and it seemed like everyone had a life I wanted. I envied friends, accomplishments, adventures, families, and the list went on. What’s obvious in retrospect is that my mother was insanely envious, and our family’s situation was never good enough. She would become so unhappy that our whole family would move to another town to start over. The cycle would begin again, and she would complain about anything and everything. By the time I was 18, we had lived in 11 different houses. After I refused to move out of my high school area in Napa Valley, they kept moving. It’s clear where I learned this pattern of behavior.
When I ended up in chronic pain, it all became much more intense. It seemed everyone had something I wanted. The first thing I envied was not being in pain. Then it seemed that everyone had a better family life than I did. I became more and more socially isolated, and I withdrew even more. Although I wanted to re-engage with friends, my fear of rejection became almost a phobia. Holidays were particularly unpleasant. It seemed like every person in the world was having a better time than I was. Of all the terrible experiences I endured, the loneliness was crushing. It is one of the reasons I have described the world of chronic pain as “The Abyss”.
Self-destruction
Additionally, anger is destructive, including self-destructive. One way this plays out is by disregarding your own health. We all choose how we treat our bodies. Chronic frustration may be the main reason you wouldn’t choose to feel physically great. It’s hard to really enjoy life if you don’t feel vigorous and energized. Ongoing self-neglect is a form of slow suicide. You’re angry and take it out on yourself. We all have some degree of self-destructive behavior, and many of us have a lot. So the emotions you might be feeling about another’s success are sucking you dry. You now have less of a chance of “being successful,” whatever that might mean. Jealousy and frustration aren’t solving much.
Moving forward
I’ve gone through many phases of healing. However, I have never forgotten the intensity of the loneliness and envy. The accidental discovery of expressive writing exercises halted the downward descent, and it remains the necessary starting point of the healing process.
One exercise I frequently discuss with my patients is similar to the one I presented above. I ask them to visualize someone they dislike. They have read enough of the DOC process to quickly understand where I am going. I point out that they know that being judgmental is problematic, and then I ask them what happens when they try not to be judgmental. Of course, you will become more judgmental. So, whether you are judgmental or not, your nervous system stays fired up. What can you do? Write down your specific thoughts and destroy them immediately. This allows you simply to separate from your thoughts, not to solve or change them. You may not become friends with this person or even like them. But in that “space” you’ve created, possibilities arise. Once you can see your judgments as a projection of you, you may be able to see this person in a different light. At a minimum, it certainly makes life more interesting.
The Way to Love
So, the solution doesn’t lie in “not being envious.” Another key is becoming more aware of it and its impact on your quality of life. I have now incorporated Anthony DeMello’s book, The Way to Love, into the DOC process. He defines love as awareness. I frequently re-read a few pages. He’s clear about the consequences of attaching your peace of mind to external circumstances. Becoming aware is a critical step and a significant part of the solution.
Although it’s a daily, minute-to-minute exercise in awareness, not being caught in the quicksand of envy has been a remarkably freeing experience. Try it. At least notice your resistance to living a different life.
Creating space through awareness requires learning and mastering skills. It is not difficult, but it has many aspects. My book, Calm Your Body, Heal Your Mind presents foundational concepts and my course “The DOC Journey” presents the sequential action plan to become a professional at living life.
References
- I was going through some old files and found this paragraph I clipped out over 30 years ago, when I began my spine practice. It initially influenced me, and I read it intermittently to remind myself to keep both feet on the ground, regardless of major successes or failures. Life began to cave in on me, and I lost touch with these concepts amongst many other losses. I don’t know the source, but the wisdom of it struck a deep chord with me. A reader just let me know the writer was Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.
- Schadenfreude: Understanding Pleasure at the Misfortune of Others. Wilco W. van Dijk, Jaap W. Ouwerkerk; Cambridge University Press, Jul 24, 2014.
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