KEY POINTS
- Our survival reactions and ongoing negative programming cause us to feel guilty and inadequate.
- The ego is dependent on others’ opinions, so it is incredibly fragile.
- We create our own “stories” about ourselves to feel better – it can’t and doesn’t work.
- As ego becomes more set in stone and rigid, it becomes our identity, and defending it creates repetitive unwanted thoughts (RUTs).
The ego is dependent on others’ approval and is fragile. There is also no logical endpoint, and eventually, these opinions become embedded in our identity. Much of our identity consists of cognitive distortions and self-critical voices.
There are several reasons we pursue attaining an identity,
- Survival Instincts and Emotions
Our survival thoughts and emotions (physiology) evolved to be incredibly unpleasant and often disturbing. They are danger signals present in every living creature, and those who didn’t heed the signals did not survive. In the wild, once a threat passes, relaxation and regeneration are possible. Humans, however, have language and label these sensations as anxiety and anger. We may continue to react to thoughts about the threat, keeping our bodies in a state of agitation.
These survival mechanisms are there to protect you, but they’re not who you are as a person. Since every one of your 30 trillion cells is bathed in these sensations, your “identity” becomes intertwined with them. Since they evolved to be incredibly powerful and aggressive, you often feel ashamed, an indescribably bad person, and worthless, especially since you can’t control them. Well-meaning people have many words to characterize these unpleasant feelings, while less well-intentioned ones may have little or no reaction. The ongoing interaction between your body’s chemistry and these thoughts embeds them into your permanent memory. Taking these survival signals personally is at the core of the creation of RUTs (repetitive unwanted thoughts).
Survival physiology
We experience various degrees of survival physiology every second. There is a word progression.
- Alert
- Nervous
- Afraid/fear
- Anger
- Panic
- Paranoid
- Terror
Your “personal brain scanner” is constantly watching out for danger. But what if the danger isn’t real? What if you don’t live up to your own inner voice or standards? You will experience the same stress reaction, and it is endless. It’s impossible to counteract a lifetime of negative programming with a stronger ego. You’re using cognitive rational means, which have only a fraction of the strength compared to your unconscious nervous system. Your unconscious brain doesn’t stop for a millisecond, while your conscious brain works only with much effort, is intermittent, and unsustainable.
- External Programming
Although seeking safety, peace, and companionship is at the core of our being, we are incessantly programmed by everything and everyone around us. Unfortunately, much of this programming is negative. It’s common for people in authority to use guilt, intimidation, and shame to motivate better performance. Many of us are constantly being judged and criticized. Since this is how we were raised, it seems normal and just the way things are done.
Parents often nag, scold, and criticize their children about almost everything. We’re rewarded for “good” behavior (as defined by others) and punished for bad. Additionally, children are taught to “be all that you can be,” which translates into unattainable standards that reinforce the “not good enough” narrative.
We are compelled to create our own “story” about who we are and our place in the world to feel better about ourselves. We relentlessly pursue attaining a stronger ego, it morphs into our “identity.”
- We are a competitive species (like all living creatures)
Like any living creature, we humans must compete for resources to survive. With our complex language and abstract thinking, we compete for money, achievements, power, status, appearance, knowledge, strength, and reputation. We spend much of our energy cultivating an image of strength and resilience. Instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, a trait that is central to meaningful relationships, we often present a “bulletproof” persona to the world and deepen our social isolation. When we don’t meet our competitive standards, we punish ourselves.
Maintaining your ego
If you feel you’ve been “successful” in creating a solid ego, what do you do next? It requires ongoing efforts to maintain it in the face of continuing negative messaging. As your thoughts become more negative over time, more effort is needed to counteract them. This need to build, defend, and reinforce your ego causes more racing, often disruptive thoughts. Examples include:
- Worthless
- Not good enough
- I’m a failure
- I’m too short/tall/fat/skinny/ugly/unattractive/unappealing
- No one likes me
- FOMO (fear of missing out) – others have what I want or should have
This list is essentially infinite, and we battle these thoughts for most of our lives. We also feel that if we could attain what we’re “lacking,” we’ll feel better. But when will that happen? And if it did, your thoughts would turn to, “How long is this going to last?” or “When is the other shoe going to drop?”
Another problem is that your nervous system memorizes everything. These repetitive voices in your head become permanent and grow stronger the more you battle them. This all sounds incredibly discouraging, and it is if you don’t know the way out.
You must take charge
The only person who can pull you out of this “Abyss” is you. It requires learning skills to:
- Separate from your thoughts,
- Calm the nervous system – the driving force
- Allow your ego to soften
- Create joy
My book Calm Your Body, Heal Your Mind: Transcend Pain, Anxiety, Anger, and Repetitive Unwanted Thoughts presents the issues created by RUTs and creates a self-directed way out of this Abyss of mental pain. Other resources are usually needed, but the book teaches the foundational concepts
As your ego consists mostly of cognitive distortions, there is nothing you must do other than separate from them with awareness. They are not real in the first place. So why defend yourself? As your racing mind slows, you can live your life and go about your day in relative peace. It’s not quite this easy, but it also isn’t difficult. All these skills are simultaneously in place and are used as you need them.
Deep healing involves nurturing play, companionship, curiosity, gratitude, life perspective, and joy. You’re creating new neurological circuits in your brain away from the unpleasant ones. It’s like installing a new virtual desktop on your computer. These new circuits are free to evolve in the direction of your choice. Your body’s chemistry also shifts from fight or flight to safety, which allows your body to rest and regenerate.
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