Protect Your Family from Your Pain

posted in: Stage 3, Stage 3: Step 2

Chronic pain is dangerous

Chronic pain is dangerous. When you are trapped by anything in life, especially pain, you’ll become angry. When you’re angry, everything is completely about you and your efforts to escape. You can no longer see the needs of those around you, much less respond to them. The essence of abuse is being unaware. Anger destroys awareness to the point that you can’t recognize your unawareness. Pain = anger = abuse

“But I would never be abusive”

You might not like hearing the word “abusive” even mentioned, much less think that it might in some way apply to you. There are many barriers to waking up to the possibility that the word does pertain to you.

  • The most common barrier is this: many people are so used to being “frustrated” that negative emotions become a baseline. These people cannot perceive themselves as angry. For them, their anger is just a normal state to be in.
    • In the world of chronic pain, frustration and anger are synonyms. However, frustration is anger.
    • When you are upset, you feel so right that you cannot imagine someone not seeing your viewpoint. However, your anger blocks you from seeing the perspective of others.
      • This is particularly true when you are dealing with your children.

Chronic pain doesn’t elicit peace and joy

Everyone with significant chronic pain is angry. It is only a matter of how connected you allow yourself to be with your anger. If you are finding yourself upset this very moment while reading this, then this statement particularly applies to you.

I have seen hundreds of patients become pain free, and it doesn’t really happen until anger is acknowledged and addressed.

  • Anger and pain are linked neurological circuits.
  • They feed off of each other

I recognize abuse daily

For many years, I never put pain and abuse in the same sentence. I didn’t see the link. Now, it’s more than clear.

  • Almost every time I mention how difficult it must be to live with someone in chronic pain, the patient’s spouse begins to involuntarily nod.
    • Many start crying.
    • I ask my patients to think about what it must be like for their children when they’re angry. They invariably get a wide-eyed look and take a deep breath.
    • I watch patients snap at their children in clinic. They seem to think it’s OK.

You won’t be able to see your own abuse



Few people wake up in the morning and think about the ways they can make their families miserable. Even those who are making their families unhappy, don’t realize they’re doing so. They are too busy thinking about themselves to notice. If you are in significant chronic pain, you can only partially see the needs of those around you. You have to make some stopgap rules. Here are some that I have suggested with some success.

The family rules of anger

1) When you’re upset, just disengage.

  • Stop and take your own “time-out.”
  • No relationship is improved with interactions based on anger–EVER!
  • Have a family meeting and ask your children and spouse/significant other what it’s like to be around you when you are angry.
    • The answers aren’t pleasant.

2) The apologies later don’t work or make up for anything.

  • Ask your family.

3) Imagine that you are your child watching you walk through the front door after just having an argument with your boss or claims examiner.

  • Would you be excited or full of dread?

4) How attractive is your partner when he or she is angry? Compare that to when they are smiling.

  • So how attractive do you think you look when you are upset?

5) Listen–only listen for at least a month.

  • Do not give ANY advice to your children or partner for at least a month.
  • It should preferably last indefinitely.
  • Advice should only be given when asked for.




6) Your opinion of your children’s “values” is not helpful.

  • Find out who they are.
  • They are more interesting than you think.

7) Make a commitment to be a source of inspiration and joy to your family–not a nightmare.

  • Your family dynamic will change within weeks.

Don’t delay taking action

Anger is a major family problem. You love your family and the last people you would want to hurt would be them. Yet when you are angry, you are destroying them.

Not only do love your family but you also need their support. Don’t drive them away.

Protect them from your pain—NOW!