- Facing Anger is the tipping point in healing
- You can’t move forward while you are holding onto the past.
- You must learn to feel safe despite ongoing adversity.
- Don’t let your mind or your life bully you.
During my 13-year journey out of chronic mental and physical pain, I had access to many treatments and tried a lot of things. They would help for a few days or weeks, but I was still suffering from 17 different symptoms; I was miserable.
I reconnected with David Burns’s book on self-directed cognitive behavioral therapy, Feeling Good1, in 2001 after being in the Abyss since 1990. He recommended the three-column technique and urged his readers to write. I began to write – a lot. Within two weeks, I felt a shift for the first time in many years. Over the next couple of months, my symptoms improved by almost 60%, but I was still frustrated. My life stresses were daunting, and I felt myself sinking back into a deep hole.
On Mother’s Day, 2002, the word “victim” floated through my mind, and I had not considered that I was in that mode. I did not realize I had any anger, and I had done a lot of counseling to address it. On my first blind date with my now-wife, I told her I had ADD and OCD, but that I had worked through my anger issues. She thought I was kidding. If she had only known………
Walking into and out of my suppressed anger
Over the next six months, I exploded with anger and had no idea what to do. I muddled through and began to move past it. Within the next three months, all my symptoms resolved and have remained gone for 23 years. I noticed that with every patient who was healing, processing anger was the tipping point, and it still is. When Fred Luskin’s book, Forgive for Good2, entered my approach in 2013, people began to heal consistently.
I have learned that anger is simply a survival reaction to a threat you cannot resolve. It is far more powerful than your conscious brain, and we have no control over this reaction. However, you can choose how you respond.
The Safest Man I Met Had Every Reason not to Feel Safe
Please read this link to a beautifully written story by my close friend, Matt Lederman. He captures the healing process. The body breaks down under chronic threat and heals when it feels safe, regardless of your circumstances. This isn’t mind over matter or positive thinking; it is about feeling, connecting, taking full responsibility, and moving on. I encourage you to sign up for his Substack, where he and his wife, Alona Pulde, offer ongoing, excellent insights from many years of helping people heal.
My friend’s insights
This email is from a close friend and mentor of mine, Linda Stone. She has had a very challenging life, dealing with severe chronic pain. A significant part of her experience stemmed from missed and delayed diagnoses. She had many reasons to be angry, and she was. However, she did not hold on to it and kept moving forward. She also introduced me to Byron Katie’s work, which is remarkable. Here are some of her insights.
Dear David,
I’m still thinking about the discussion. I just had a 30-minute Gyrotonic workout and am about to do an hour-long one with the retired Boston Ballet soloist. These workouts have helped a lot!
But! Here’s what I’ve been thinking…
Is there a flowchart for people in pain, with decisions at every step? I’m not saying what I’ve written below is “correct,” as it’s just the beginning of brainstorming.
Where is the pain?
Is it familiar? Yes/No
Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes/No
Is the pain continuous or are there breaks?
Etc.
Questions might touch on beliefs, triggering events, etc.
Wish I had time to put more down on this, but I need to get out the door soon…
For me, one of the most valuable things I did was Byron Katie’s Inquiry Process.
The belief I worked:
My mind is a bully; my body is a victim.
After working through Katie’s process, in the turnaround, perspective-taking process, I came up with: “My mind and body are friends.” Then, I did what Katie calls a “24-hour turnaround.” I noticed and documented evidence that my mind and body were friends.
Super helpful exercise!
Linda
Processing anger
Processing anger requires skills that are easy to learn and can become essentially automatic. However, anger blocks your awareness of being angry, and the first step is recognizing it. It is also not a definitive solution on its own and must be part of a structured program. Calm Your Body, Heal Your Mind: Transcend Pain, Anxiety, Anger, and Repetitive Unwanted Thoughts presents the foundational concepts and many tools. It works best if you jump around and use it as a reference.
My course, The DOC Journey, is a sequence of lessons to learn skills and requires repetition. People do best when they spend only 10-20 minutes a day on the course and don’t rush through it. Meaningful shifts can happen quickly, but deep change happens over three to six months.
Why would you want to hand over the quality of your life to a situation with someone you don’t like, or even despise? Why not learn to unleash yourself and live your life?
To have a good life, you must learn to live a good life. That translates into learning to feel safe.
Created by Les Aria, PhD
References
- Burns, David D.Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Rev. and updated ed. HarperCollins, 1999.
- Luskin, Frederic. Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. HarperSanFrancisco, 2002.
- Hanscom, David. Calm Your Body, Heal Your Mind: Transcend Pain, Anxiety, Anger, and Repetitive Unwanted Thoughts. White River Junction, VT: Chelsea Green Publishing, 2026.