Objectives
- Our survival reactions and ongoing negative program cause us to feel guilty and inadequate.
- We create “stories” about ourselves in order to feel better – it can’t doesn’t work.
- Awareness you are not your survival reactions and “self-esteem” consists of cognitive distortion frees you.
- AWE and awareness allow you to move forward.
There are two main reasons why people pursue self-esteem to reinforce their “identity” or ego:
- Survival Instincts and Emotions
Our survival thoughts and emotions are intentionally unpleasant and often disturbing. They are danger signals present in every living creature. In the wild, once a threat passes, relaxation and regeneration are possible. Humans, however, have language and label these sensations as anxiety and anger. We may continue to react to thoughts about the threat, keeping our bodies agitated.
These survival mechanisms are there to protect you, but they’re not who you are. Since every one of your 30 trillion cells is bathed in these sensations, your “identity” becomes intertwined with them. Since they evolved to be incredibly powerful and aggressive, you often feel ashamed, an indescribably bad person, and worthless, especially since you can’t control them. Well-meaning people have many words to characterize these unpleasant feelings, while less well-intentioned ones may have little or no reaction. The ongoing interaction between your body’s chemistry and these thoughts embeds them into your permanent memory.
- External Programming
Although seeking safety, peace, and companionship is at the core of our being, we are incessantly programmed by everything and everyone around us. Unfortunately, much of this programming is negative. It’s common for people in authority to use guilt, intimidation, and shame to motivate better performance. Many of us, are constantly being judged and criticized. Since this is how we were raised, it seems normal and just the way things are done.
Parents often nag, scold, and criticize their children about almost everything. We’re rewarded for “good” behavior (as defined by others) and punished for bad. Additionally, children are taught to “be all that you can be,” which translates into unattainable standards that reinforce the “not good enough” narrative.
We are compelled to create our own “story” about who we are and our place in the world to feel better about ourselves. We relentlessly pursue attaining more self-esteem, which morphs into our “identity” or “ego.”
Each person is infinitely unique, and you are the only one processing your surroundings to make decisions that optimize your survival – mentally and physically. Since we are products of our lifetime of input, the only person who can reprogram your brain is you. Our human tendency is to blame, which has the opposite effect.
Survival physiology (how the body works)
Major problems arise because we experience various degrees of survival physiology every second of every day. There is a word progression to describe it:
- Alert
- Nervous
- Afraid/fear
- Anger
- Panic
- Paranoid
- Terror
Your “personal brain scanner” is constantly watching out for danger. But what if the danger isn’t real? What if you don’t live up to your own inner voice or standards? You will experience the same stress reaction, and it is endless. It’s impossible to counteract a lifetime of negative programming with better self-esteem. You’re using cognitive rational means, which have only a fraction of the strength compared to your unconscious nervous system. Your unconscious brain doesn’t stop for a millisecond, while your conscious brain works based on your efforts, is intermittent, and not sustainable.
Maintaining your ego
If you feel you’ve been “successful” in creating a solid ego, what do you do next? It requires ongoing efforts to maintain it in the face of continuing negative messaging. As your thoughts become more negative over time, more effort is needed to counteract them. This need to build, defend, and reinforce your ego causes more racing, often disruptive thoughts. Examples include:
- Worthless
- Not good enough
- I’m a failure
- I’m too short/tall/fat/skinny/ugly/unattractive/unappealing
- No one likes me
- FOMO (fear of missing out) – others have what I want or should have
This list is essentially infinite, and we battle these thoughts for most of our lives. We also feel that if we could attain what we’re “lacking,” we’ll feel better. But when will that happen? And if it did, your thoughts would turn to, “How long is this going to last?” or “When is the other shoe going to drop?”
Another problem is that your nervous system memorizes everything. These repetitive voices in your head become permanent and grow stronger the more you battle them. This all sounds incredibly discouraging, and it is if you don’t know the way out.
You must take charge
The only person who can pull you out of this “Abyss” is you. It requires learning skills to separate from your thoughts, calm the nervous system, allow your ego to die, and create joy. Your ego consists of thoughts (mostly cognitive distortions), and as it atrophies from disuse, there’s no need to defend it. Your racing mind slows down. You can simply live your life and go about your day in relative peace. It’s not quite this easy, but it also isn’t difficult. All of these skills are simultaneously in place and are used as you need them.
Deep healing involves nurturing play, companionship, curiosity, gratitude, life perspective, and joy. You’re creating new neurological circuits in your brain away from the unpleasant ones. It’s similar to installing a new virtual desktop on your computer. These new circuits are free to evolve in the direction of your choice. Your body’s chemistry also shifts from fight or flight to safety, which allows your body to rest and regenerate.
Awareness and AWE
Nurturing awareness is what allows you to break free from anger, and a process called “AWE” is a powerful way to separate from your racing thoughts, and then create and reinforce more enjoyable circuits. Paying to small details throughout your day connects you to a much bigger picture. It requires just a few minutes a day and can be done throughout the day. How can such a simple strategy lower pain, depression, anxiety, and enhance your quality of life? If you regain and connect to your place in the context of life, your body chemistry calms down, you can think more clearly, and you’ll open up to endless possbilities.
This is a much different scenario from feeling trapped and accelerates the creation of new circuits away from your pain and suffering. To have a good life, you must live a good life. The choice is yours – right now.