Essentially every person that has experienced deep healing has learned to process anger and nurture joy. It is much more than an intellectual exercise and deeper than “acceptance.” You don’t have to like the person or situation that harmed you. You must “let go” and move on.
Anxiety is the sensation generated when you are in flight or fight. It is a physiological state. When you can’t resolve your anxiety, your body kicks in a stronger neurochemical response and you’ll be anger. Anger and anxiety are the result of stress, not psychological, and a million times stronger than your conscious brain. You have absolutely no control over these reactions. However, you are able to reprogram these responses.
This email was recently sent to me by someone who I have never met and reflects most of the concepts of healing presented in The DOC (Direct your Own Care) course and app.
The letter
Hello David,
I am writing to you on my day off, sun is shining and I am almost ready to go for my walk. I really feel supported by your program and thank you for replying my emails.
It means a lot to me. I do a bit of reading and learning each day and then move on to the things in life that I need and want to do.
I touched a huge topic and adressed it. I arranged for a meeting with my ex-partner and told him I wanted to have a one on one conversation on how we are raising our son seperately and how this is going. In this conversation I was able to really listen to him and feel the hurt feelings and being uncomfortable. He let me have my moment and I spoke up about my grief and the things that caused my hurt feelings and what I would wish for my son, and also that it was hard for me to forgive him on how things went between us in the past.
It was the first time that I spoke and took this approach. Usually, I complain about him to my boyfriend, whom suggested that I should say these things in a mature way to my ex. Now, I feel like I forgave me and him. Actually, me meeting and speaking up, without the actual need for me to have him change anything made all the difference. But I needed to have the conversation. Only so much you can learn from books. In the playground of real life you are meant to use the things you learn.
It feels that I am moving forward and I am persistent. It is working for me because I am showing up for me everyday and do my writing, eating well, sleeping, and learning.
It is a life-long journey. I am also adressing the relationship between me and my parents. My mom has become ill and she is in her victim role most of the time. Also I am reviewing my role in family dynamics. For me this was also confronting, because stopping complaining and not talking about my pain was a huge step. My therapist friends help me accomplish this.
I have notes on my fridge. I crossed out “try” and the “do” note hangs on my bathroom mirror. Even my son participates with me. He manages to sleep in his own room, which is a huge step for him and for me.
Now I realise that trying to fix yourself is focusing on what you don’t want and you can fail easily. Moving forward and taking small steps to the life you want makes it possible to let them co-exist. Since the pain is needed to get myself moving. This time I am dedicated and for this reason I am making it work. I took control.
And what makes me happy everyday is that I show up for myself and do my work, everyday. This realisation makes it that I feel I can be more persistent and pursue life as I see fit. It is like getting married with myself, for better and for worse.
I will keep you updated. I am so grateful that my friend pointed out your work. Thank you for showing this way and helping people to live the life they want to live. To have hope and knowing that I can succeed with patience, persistance and dedication.
Wishing you well, WT
Summary of her journey
Her letter covers the core of the healing journey. I’ll just list them.
Leg 1 – Beginning the journey – and learn later
- Expressive writing is a major necessary step. It is not the final solution but nothing will really happen without this exercise.
- She stopped complaining
- Sleep improved
Leg 2 – Understanding the healing principles
- She quit trying to fix herself and pursued the life she wanted.
- The two separate but linked parts of healing are letting go and moving forward.
- Hope has been shown to lower inflammatory markers. Being trapped in pain without direction is a dark place and why I call it “The Abyss.”
Leg 3 – Lowering threat physiology – anxiety
- Relaxed enough that her son could be a part of all of this
- An anti-inflammatory diet contributes to lowering threat physiology.
Leg 4 – Awareness
- She let go of her expectations and agenda and was able to listen
- Your family is the source of your deepest triggers and she took responsibility for her possible role. You can’t change your family, but you can work on yourself.
Leg 5 – Anger processing
- Confronting a given situation head on
- Stopped blaming her ex
- “Try” is the ultimate victim word. “Do” is the opposite. This is a strategy that I learned from my Hoffman process.
Leg 6 – Pursuing your vision
- Consistence and persistence are key – one day at a time.
- Continually trying to fix yourself places your brain on the problem and reinforces your pain.
- As you learn to let go, you can move forward away from your pain circuits. They will “atrophy” from disuse.
Leg 7 – Living life on your terms
- She is executing and moving forward.
- She took control. Nothing will happen until you lean into this. We are somewhat programmed to look outside of ourselves for fixes and also for blame.
- She understands what makes her happy and nurtures that energy.
- Connecting with friends for support and connection is also powerfully anti-inflammatory. Instead of complaining to her friends, they became her support.
One key concept was her statement, “It is like getting married with myself, for better and for worse.” In other words, she connected to every aspect of herself, including her capacity to heal. The DOC Journey is not a self-help program. It is a set of documented tools based on deep medical research and provides a foundation of knowledge that allows you to figure your own way out of The Abyss. You cannot go from pain to pleasure without a sequence and tools.
Then, as you move into the life that you desire, your brain will continue to evolve in the direction of your choice (neuroplasticity), physical and mental symptoms abate, and you’ll thrive and move into a life that you never thought was possible.
Her journey is an example of how you can heal. You will implement your own version of it, and healing is always possible regardless of how long you have been in pain. The choice is yours. Do you want to learn the skill set to move forward and become a professional at living your life?