Objectives:
- Life is full of loss and unfulfilled wishes. Sehnsucht is intense regret.
- Stress of a deep loss can trigger chronic pain, and there is nothing you can do.
- Remaining attached to your trauma prolongs the pain.
- Live your life in a manner that honors the person who is gone.
Understand that life is mainly a series of losses. Recognizing this truth allows you to stop fighting them and instead enjoy the time you’re given on earth. Otherwise, you’re destined always to be looking back and reacting. Are you truly alive today?
Sehnsucht is a German noun that translates to “longing,” “pining,” “yearning,” “craving,” or, more broadly, “intensely missing.” Sehnsucht represents feelings and thoughts related to all aspects of life that are unfinished or imperfect, combined with a desire for ideal alternative experiences. It has been described as “life’s longings” or a person’s search for happiness while coping with the reality of unfulfilled wishes. These feelings are usually intense and often fluctuate wildly.
Neuroshment
Rita was a patient I met in 2013. She suffered from total body pain and extreme anxiety. She had experienced disruptive pain for over 55 years. I wasn’t very optimistic about how much could be done, but my colleague and I began guiding her through a healing process. It took over a year, but with many adjustments and support, she broke free from her pain, which I had not thought was possible after so many years. My wife and I became close friends with her over the years, and she was quite creative in observing her own healing. Neuroplasticity fascinated her, and she coined the term “neuroshment.” She felt that learning through awareness was the fuel that nourished and reshaped the brain’s structure. It conveyed the idea that the only way to deal with the past is to learn from it. The word inspired the “C”quence of healing represented by a tree. The soil is your past, and instead of analyzing, fixing, whitewashing, or suppressing it, you focus on what you can learn from it. The trunk is the confidence you gain from attaining the skills to be with and understand. Deep healing occurs at the top of the tree with creativity. “Neuroshment” from your life experiences allows the branches to grow upward indefinitely. You are moving away from your painful neurological circuits.
The reason I am telling this story is that she spent over 55 years trying to heal and was bounced around the medical system. One simple question was never asked. “What is going on in your life?” Her pain began at age 30 when her ex-husband and father of her three children committed suicide. Not only did she have to deal with the grief, but she was also now a single mother. She carried on admirably despite the pain, but it was challenging.
Her pain worsened significantly in 2008, and she intensified her efforts to find relief through traditional medicine, but to no avail. Once again, no one asked the simple question, “Have you experienced any significant stress recently?” In fact, her only son committed suicide, tragically repeating his father’s history. He was 40 years old.
Loss is permanent
As I discuss loss with my patients, I have gradually realized that it’s impossible to get over a profound loss fully, and the more you try, the worse the pain becomes. You keep thinking about it. The better approach is to accept that you don’t have to recover from your loss and understand it has become part of the fabric of your life. It’s healthier to acknowledge it, live with the unsettling feelings, and continue embracing your life.
I have had many conversations with patients regarding the loss of a spouse, child, or close friend. Commonly, many would continue to mourn a loss many years later. Why? Staying stuck in your pain is another way of clinging to the powerful victim role. Anthony de Mello, in his book The Way to Love, succinctly points out that attachment (Sehnsucht) – longing for something better- creates suffering 1
It hit me that living a successful life involves navigating loss. The list of losses you will experience over your lifetime is limitless. Memory, strength, endurance, friends, family, prestige, jobs, reputation–you can choose to dwell on them or understand that loss is at the core of living, with the final loss being your own existence. The trauma of experiencing chronic pain is one of the worst losses. Research has shown that it is not only comparable to suffering from terminal cancer,2 but remaining angry also fires up threat physiology. And causes pain to worsen. Conversely, letting go of intense anger is always the tipping point of deep healing.
A more constructive way of looking at this scenario is to flip roles. I asked my patients how they would feel if they were the one who was gone, what they would want for their family, friends, and relatives. Continuing to mope for an extended period is not what they wished. They wanted them to get on with their life and to enjoy whatever time they had on this planet. Why not honor those you lost by living a full and rich life? The grief will never resolve, and it doesn’t have to. The anger must go for you to heal.
Don’t become mired in the quicksand of frustration, consumed by what was or what might have been. Honor their life and the lives of those you love by enjoying the magic of being alive. This is especially true around the Holidays.
References:
- Anthony de Mello, The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony de Mello, ed. J. Francis Stroud (New York: Doubleday, 1992), chap. 5, “The Eye of the Needle.”
- Fredheim OM, Kaasa S, Fayers P, Saltnes T, Jordhøy M, Bortchgrevink PC. Chronic non-malignant pain patients report as poor health-related quality of life as palliative cancer patients. Acta Anaesthesiol Scand (2008); 52:143-148.