I am sharing an email I recently received from someone I have gotten to know over about a year. I wasn’t aware of her whole story. She illustrates several aspects of self-induced deep healing.
- The healing process is self-directed. This is also documented in the literature, assuming control is at the core of healing.
- The RUTs book, “Back in Control,” and my course, The DOC (Direct Your Own Care), are designed to provide a solid foundation for others to explore additional resources thoughtfully.
- Understanding the details of chronic pain is a crucial first step in managing it effectively.
- She has been able to heal despite ongoing adverse circumstances. People change their relationship to adversity.
- They quit looking for answers to solve their problems, including pain. Blame and feeling sorry for yourself stops.
She is a Ukrainian refugee, living alone in Germany with her 2-year-old child. I knew through our Tuesday/ Thursday coaching sessions that she was doing better, but I only recently realized that she is almost back to full function. I feel that once people reach this point, they have only begun the healing process, which continues indefinitely. The nervous system continues to change in the direction of more function and enjoyment. I have seen few people revert from this point going forward.
Her story
I’d like to share my story with you – one that I consider nothing short of miraculous.
I hope it offers encouragement to others facing similar challenges and shows that there is a way forward, even when it feels impossible.
I’m 38 years old now, and after a long, difficult journey, I feel like I’m finally reconnecting with my life and the sport I love.
Since my school years, indoor and beach volleyball have been a part of my life. Over the last 8 years, my volleyball journey had become especially intense. I played indoor volleyball professionally for a year in Lithuania, followed by a year in Ukraine’s higher league. My weekly routine consisted of one to two indoor practices, five days a week, plus two to three gym sessions. In the summertime, I transitioned to beach volleyball, eventually competing in national championship tournaments.
The summer of 2021 was amazing – I was in the best shape of my life and making real progress. Although my best finish in the Ukrainian Beach Volleyball Championship was 5th place, my partner and I had set our sights on international competitions for the next season.
Up to that point, I’d never experienced serious back issues. Maybe once or twice a year, I would feel a bit of lower back pain – like pulled muscles – but with rest and a massage routine, it always went away within a week or two.
But in August 2021, everything changed.
During what seemed like a normal practice, I pulled my lower back muscles. It didn’t hurt too much, so I pushed through. I had a tournament the following week and didn’t want to miss it. Unfortunately, that tournament became my last. I could barely play in the end. The pain in my lower back started radiating to the left side. Sitting and bending became difficult, and any sudden movement was excruciating.
I went to the doctor, took anti-inflammatory medications, and was told to rest. After a week of rest, I felt slightly better, seemed like I was improving, but then, one morning, I woke up with a sharp, stabbing pain in my left buttock, which quickly worsened. By the evening of that day, I couldn’t stand up, and the pain began radiating down my entire left leg.
That night, I called an ambulance. They gave me a strong painkiller injection – it didn’t help. The next morning, I was taken to the hospital. I received a blockade injection and was put on IV drips with anti-inflammatory medications, but nothing worked.
It’s difficult to describe the level of pain I felt – it was completely overwhelming.
Soon after, my left foot began to go numb. An MRI revealed a 9 mm herniated disc between L4 and L5. The doctor said surgery was my only option. I was terrified and devastated. The thought of surgery felt like the end of my sporting life – everything I had trained for, everything I loved, suddenly felt out of reach.
There was one spine specialist I had heard about – located nine hours’ drive away from the city I was living in. Desperate for another option, I asked my ex-husband to drive me there that very same day. If this doctor couldn’t help, I would have to have surgery.
We folded down the back seats of the car so I could lie flat – it was the only position I could tolerate. I don’t know how I managed that drive, but somehow, I did. When we arrived, the doctor examined me and said, “This is a very difficult case, but I’ll try to help.”
He admitted me immediately and began treatment: five days of IV anti-inflammatory therapy to reduce the nerve root inflammation. I don’t remember the exact medications, but they were standard anti-inflammatories administered intravenously. No painkillers were allowed.
Gradually, I started to feel a little relief. By the fifth day, I stood up and took a few steps – something I hadn’t been able to do in days. My arms were bruised and worn from the repeated IVs; the veins in both arms had collapsed to the point that, even now, they are barely visible.
Step by Step: Rehabilitation Begins
After those five days, I began working with a rehabilitation specialist, starting with just 5 to 10 minutes a day. The rest of the time, I lay on my back in bed. Any other position was too painful.
We started with very simple exercises and gentle spinal decompression on the Yevminov board. Slowly, I began to improve. The time and intensity of the exercises increased gradually. It was a slow process, but after about a month, I was able to stand and walk on my own again, though very slowly, and with a lot of caution.
After one month, I returned home and continued my rehabilitation remotely, working online with my specialist. The Yevminov board became a key part of my daily routine. That happened at the end of September 2021.
By January 2022, I took another big step – I returned to an indoor sand court for the first time and began light training with a ball. I avoided sudden movements, I didn’t jump, and I was still very afraid. The pain never fully disappeared- I simply learned to manage it. Some days were better than others, and on bad days I could do very little.
Every single day, I kept doing my rehabilitation exercises – fully committed, focused on strengthening and protecting my back. I believed discipline and consistency would save me. And yet, looking back, I now understand that pushing through wasn’t the right way forward..
People around me kept saying, “This has all happened because of too much sport. You need to stop.”
At 5 a.m. on February 24, 2022, Russian military forces invaded Ukraine. I still remember that morning clearly and can replay in my head the sound of explosions echoing from outside.
Just one month later, I found out I was pregnant.
In the middle of uncertainty, I made a decision: I would leave Ukraine and go to Germany, “just temporarily” – or so I told myself, just for a few months until it all passed.
Now it’s July 2025.
I’m still in Germany.
A New Life, a New Pain
During my pregnancy, I tried to stay strong – physically, at least. But I was miserable inside. I worked out at the gym, took care of my body, and kept moving. But mentally, it was a very different story. I felt like my world had been taken from me: my home, my sport, my identity. I was doing my best to survive a war, a pregnancy, and chronic pain – all at once.
When my baby was born, my back pain came back with full force. I was terrified. It felt like I was falling into a black hole again. The pain was strong and so familiar, but even more frightening now that I had a newborn to care for.
My mind spiralled with fear: What if I can’t walk again? What if I need surgery? How will I take care of my baby?
The worst thing was – I was afraid to walk; I was afraid to carry my child. I spent most of my time in bed. My thoughts became unbearable. That first year was my abyss.
My mother came to help me every few months, and I was endlessly grateful for that. My reality was – I was constantly battling flare-ups. I had steroid injections, but they only helped for a short time. It was a continuous cycle of pain, fear, and helplessness.
I became convinced: only surgery could fix this.
In April 2024, I had my last visit to a doctor. He looked at the newest MRI scan and said:
“Medically, there’s nothing in the scan that justifies surgery. I don’t know why you’re in so much pain. The pain you’re experiencing should resolve.”
Those words hit me like a wall. No one could help me.
Nowhere else to turn
So, I turned back to Google, desperate to find something – anything – that would explain what was happening to me. That’s when I stumbled across a YouTube video by a guy named William. In it, he said something that completely challenged everything I thought I knew:
“None of what you’re doing matters – you need to go in a completely different direction.”
Honestly, it sounded like total nonsense at first. I almost clicked away. But for some reason—maybe curiosity, maybe hope—I scheduled a personal online meeting with him.
And that meeting changed everything.
Through William’s program, I was introduced to an entirely new way of understanding pain. I learned that my nervous system was stuck in protection mode, constantly firing danger signals even though my body wasn’t in real physical danger anymore.
I discovered the work of Dr. David Hanscom and began listening to his audiobook, “Back in Control.” Along with that, I started practicing expressive writing every day. That’s when I first began to notice a shift – subtle, but real.
From there, I dove deeper:
- The Way Out by Alan Gordon
- Unlearn Your Pain by Dr. Howard Schubiner
- The Way to Love by Anthony de Mello
- Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin
- The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle
- Curable app
Each book peeled away another layer of fear, resistance, and pain. I began to understand not just my symptoms, but the pattern of suffering behind them – and how much of it was rooted in emotional suppression, fear, and a deeply conditioned nervous system.
I also joined the DOC Journey, and I enjoy the weekly coaching group a lot.
I completely transformed the way I think, the way I exercise, and my sleep routine.
It turns out the mind is far more powerful than we give it credit for. And healing doesn’t always come in the form of injections, surgeries, or stretching routines.
Sometimes, it starts with a single sentence that sounds like total nonsense – until it doesn’t.
It wasn’t until I started slowly putting myself back together – physically and emotionally – that I could finally begin to understand the deeper layers of what had happened to me. Only then did I realize that the pain in my body was not just physical. It was carrying the weight of everything I had been holding in for years.
Family issues
Back in 2001, I entered a marriage that lasted 8 years. I was not happy there. The relationship became complicated and unfulfilling. But the hardest part was – I didn’t have the courage to end it. I stayed because it felt safer, because I was scared to be alone, because I was scared to leave my husband.
In 2021, I fell unexpectedly in love with someone else while still being married. I started to see another man. I was torn between two lives, two versions of myself. And the longer I kept the truth inside, the heavier it became. The guilt was unbearable. I was ashamed, stuck, and emotionally paralysed.
When the war began on February 24, 2022, I left the city with the man I had fallen in love with. A month later, I found out I was pregnant. And a month after that, I left Ukraine. Yet I didn’t tell my husband anything.
Throughout my entire pregnancy, I was emotionally overwhelmed. I felt broken.
I hated myself for betraying my husband, for not being strong enough to speak the truth.
I buried those emotions deep inside, and I suppressed them.
To this day, I’ve never had an open and clear conversation about all of this with my husband. We had spoken through lawyers, who helped us finalize the divorce remotely. He no longer wanted to talk to me. That chapter closed without a real conversation, and for a long time, I carried the shame.
Back to competitive volleyball
Just last month, I participated in my first amateur beach volleyball competition since my back injury. And we won second place.
It was an incredible feeling – not just because we won, but because I could play freely, without fear. For the first time in years, I wasn’t afraid of jumping, twisting, running, bending, or landing wrong.
I felt free.
Of course, I’m not at the same level I once was – but that doesn’t matter anymore.
What matters is that I’m no longer living in fear. I’ve reclaimed something even more valuable than performance: trust in my body and peace in my mind.
I’m still on this journey, and I know the work will never truly end, because life keeps presenting new challenges. But I now have tools, awareness, and self-compassion that I didn’t before.
There are no words to fully express how deeply grateful I am for the people who came into my life at exactly the right time – the ones who guided me, challenged my thinking, and showed me a new direction when I needed it most.
I used to fight and ignore my body. Now, I learn to listen to it.
I used to fear pain and be very cautious. Now, I understand it.
I used to think healing was about strength and persistence. Now, I know it’s about connection – to myself, to others, and the truth.
Summary
As I delve deeper into the problem of Repetitive Unwanted Thoughts (RUTs), several key principles are emerging.
- Suppressed thoughts and emotions are major drivers of mental and physical pain.
- Mental pain is more problematic than physical pain.
- Three words for healing keep emerging: awareness, connection, and persistence.
- Awareness is key to breaking up your reactions to unwanted thoughts, pain, and adversity. It creates the necessary space to make better choices, and anger dissipates.
- Connection to every aspect of your past, again with awareness, causes it to lose much of its power.
- Persistence is crucial for acquiring new skills. The two areas of expertise are learning to live and work with your emotions, and the other is creatively nurturing joy and living life on your terms.
When she became aware of what she was holding in, she started to heal. She connected with dark thoughts and emotions and did not run from them or try to solve them. Despite many reasons to feel sorry for herself, she chose to move forward, where healing occurs. Like being a competitive volleyball player, she realizes that becoming a professional at living life requires practice.
To go from reaCtive to Creative, you must “C” first identify your current state before moving forward.