Commitment to Change

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After you have a clear idea of the depth of your anger and how you consistently play the role of a victim, make a simple decision to not be a victim anymore.  The terminology here is tricky, because this is a much deeper commitment than a New Year’s resolution.  You will fail almost instantly.  The commitment really means that you will commit to being extremely honest with yourself in regards to playing this role, and you will use your tools to come out of the role as quickly as possible.

Just write it down.  “I choose not to be a victim.”  Date it.  If you wish, put it in a place where you will see it on a daily basis.

Another exercise that I have my patients do is something I learned in the Hoffman process.  The word “try” has to disappear from your vocabulary.  I have my patients write the word “try” on a piece of paper and put a big “X” across it.  They tape it on their refrigerator.  They then write the word “do” on another piece of paper and put it by their bedside.  The word try is one of the most energy-draining words in the human existence.

I went skiing on Christmas day 2007 with my son Nick and his best friend Holt.  Holt was the 2007 US moguls champion.  My son had just won a national mogul event two weeks earlier.  The three of us were standing on the top of a cornice at Snowbird, Utah.  We were on top of a chute that was about 20 feet wide at the top but only about six feet wide about 2/3 of the way down.  About 100 feet down on the left there was an outcropping of rocks and it was about 200 feet before it opened up.  Holt looked at it carefully and after about a minute jumped straight in, skied about 75 feet straight down, made a gentle turn to the right, another gentle turn to the left and ended up in a large bowl.  Nick went to the right about six feet to enter the chute.  He jumped from a 20-foot cliff into the same chute, and then made the same turns into the bowl. They were at about 40 mph by the time they reached the bowl. This was simply an undoable chute for most human beings.

It was clear that if they did not remain committed to their decision that they had a very high chance of a serious injury.  Both of them commented that they have to fully commit before they make those moves.   Although, there was still a significant risk, they were able to pull it off with a full commitment.

Your commitment is not to avoid being a victim.  That is not humanly possible.  It is important to commit to being fully aware when you go into that mode and then use your tools to process your frustrations and move on.  Suppressing anger is far and away your worst choice.