Objectives
- Much of our identity revolves around the “stories” we create to make sense out of the world.
- Many, if not most, of our stories involve judgment and labeling, which are classic cognitive distortions. They are not real, although they appear to be real.
- Once you become aware of both the nature of these stories and the damaging effects on the quality of your life, you will be able to let go and move on.
- Life is much easier and freer when you shed them.
These “stories” we have about ourselves that we project onto the world are the way we create our egos or self-image. It is a deadly process that is a root cause of many bad behaviors. Humans are focused on not being vulnerable because it threatens survival. We also know that emotional pain is as disruptive to your well-being as physical pain. So, we spend a tremendous amount of energy on appearing powerful–both to ourselves and the world.
The problem is that it can’t and doesn’t work. The unconscious survival response, which is the source of the sensation we call anxiety, is far more powerful than our conscious brain. The personal and societal consequences are severe. Our “identity” is defined by our mental constructs of ourselves, most of which are created by the perceptions and reactions of those close to us. This is even a bigger problem if you were raised in a chaotic or abusive environment. Instead of feeling safe and connected, you are constantly”“on aler”” and you also have to build your own identity (façade).
What is more convoluted is that your identity becomes dependent on being accepted and validated by others. Still, it is more powerful to withhold approval or even bully someone whom you perceive as weaker. This circular power struggle persists throughout life unless you understand and utilize the tools that can help you extricate yourself from this game.
“ANT”
I becomes even more complicated when you begin to understand how the human brain work, and much, if not mos,t of our self-esteem (or lack thereof) is based on cognitive distortions. Dr. David Burns, in his best-selling book, Feeling Good,1 categorizes them into ten” errors of thinking.” He uses the term “ANT” to describe them, which stands for “automatic negative thoughts.” Some of the categories are:
- Labeling “Should thinking”
- Minimizing the positive
- Emphasizing the negative –” Not good enough”
- Mind reading
- Catastrophizing
I highly recommend reading his book to understand them and become aware of how much space they occupy in your conscious brain.
For example, imagine someone at work walked by you without acknowledging you. You might think they’re upset with you about a situation that occurred the day before. The error in thinking in this case would be”“mind reading”” Youcan’tt read otherpeopl’ ‘ss minds. It ‘s possible that the other person had just received some bad news and wasn’t engaging with anyone. But youdon’tt really know. Making assumptions consumes emotional energy.
Labeling
Then there is the error of labeling. For example, a frequently late spouse becomes” inconsiderate.” A forgetful teenager becomes”irresponsible.” In the act of labeling, especially negative labeling, you overlook the details of a given set of circumstances and someone’s good qualities. You have limited your capacity to enjoy interacting with them.
Then there are the labels we have for ourselves: you knock something over and call yourself”“clumsy”” If a lover breaks up with you, then you’re ““unlovable” Rehashing these critical self-judgments in our minds turns them into deeply embedded stories. Such stories are much harder to move on from than single judgments. Once a judgment sets in, you tend to lose perspective. Over time, faulty thinking becomes your version of reality.
Regardless of what triggers these patterns of thinking, they are a universal aspect of the human experience known as cognitive consciousness. My cat doesn’t have this problem. This is true whether chronic pain is involved or not. With chronic pain, you have the added frustration of the physical stimulus to keep these circuits really spinning.
Self-Perceived Flaws
To better understand the story concept, consider everyday situations where the brain focuses on a self-perceived flaw that is not physically painful. It may be your height, weight, body shape, or even a specific body part. Or it might be some particular quality, such as a lack of intelligence, athletic skill, musical talent, etc. Repeating these flaws over and over traps you in a destructive cycle of spinning neural circuits. For example, many years ago I had a patient with neck pain who was absolutely convinced that he was”“stupid”” His self-labeling wasn’tt rational, as he was clearly a bright guy. I don’t know if his view of himself somehow triggered it, but he eventually developed a significant chronic burning sensation around his mouth.
A similar phenomenon often occurs in the entertainment industry, where performers frequently focus solely on their negative reviews. My wife, a tap dancer, has witnessed this phenomenon in her profession for years. She pointed out to me that a performer might have 99 positive reviews but will fixate on the onetha’ ‘ss negative. It’s a common saying among entertainers that “You’re only as good as your worst critic.”
”ANTs” and Relationships
Another destructive phenomenon is focusing on a spouse or partner’s negative traits. The other person usually has innumerable positive qualities that are forgotten in the face of their” flaw.” Over time, the story we tell ourselves can become so strong that it can break apart an otherwise great relationship. If you realized that you were projecting your own negative perception of yourself onto him or her, you might think twice about verbalizing your thoughts. You might as well talk into a bullhorn and broadcast,” This is what I think about me.”
What’s curious to me is why the human brain does not become equally fixated on positive traits. Reconsidering Wegener’s “white bear” experiment, maybe we don’t have repetitive positive thoughts because we don’t suppress them. As demonstrated in his experiment, fixation is closely linked to suppression.
Let your ego go
You may be unaware how much of your identity is wrapped up in creating and reinforcing these stories about who you are. Therefore, you may spend much of your time in an agitated state without knowing why.
However, awareness of these stories can help dissolve them. These perceived thought distortions are just as damaging as real threats, but with awareness, you can separate from them and then redirect your attention where you choose. You don’t have to”fix” them because they are not real (even though they seem that way). You can train your brain to let go and move past them.
Awareness is the starting point, and as these stories about yourself and others drop away, you’ll begin to experience your life at a deeper and more interesting level.
Recap
Pursuing a stronger ego is a disaster at every conceivable level, as it not only separates you from others, but you also can’t even work your way back to finding out who they really are. And what about the effects on you? You are not connected to yourself. It requires a tremendous amount of mental energy to create and maintain your ego, and it’s just a collective opinion of what the world has programmed you to be.
You can’t fix this issue. It is at the core of human language and consciousness. But by becoming aware of the issues around this situation, they will lose their power, and you’ll be free.
Questions and considerations
- Please refer to one of Dr. David Burns’ books, where he presents the 10 categories of cognitive distortions. You may be surprised to discover how much of your ego is made up of these stories.
- It is one of the easiest problems to deal with in that, since these are truly distortions, there is nothing to do except to be aware of them, separate, and move on.
- Consider how much of your day is consumed by racing thoughts you can’t control. Every minute in this state reinforces unwanted neurological circuits, and you are moving in the wrong direction.
- Healing occurs as you focus your attention on where you want your life to go and what you want it to look like. However, you must first let go before you can move forward.
References
- Burns, David. Feeling Good. Avon Books, 1999.
- Wegener DM, et al.” Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1987); 53: 5-13.